Hello. What is popping?

     Well I can't sleep, and yet ironically I'm too tired to actually do anything, so, I guess I'll just get this public post I've been planning over with.
     I'm having a hard time getting back into public posts. I just don't know why I should bother. I've been private posting exclusively for over a month now, and once I really got into the swing of it, I churned out great posts, far better than any public post I've made in a while. It took some time, but I identified the primary problem with public posts compared to private posts: In public posts, I feel like I shouldn't say too much of the stuff that people don't want to read. So I steer clear of certain topics that, it turns out, are actually core to my being. I try not to write things that are too depressing and might come off as "emo" or whatever. I try not to write things that are simply boring and wouldn't be of interest to anyone but myself. And I generally don't write a lot of the things that are potentially embarrassing; it would require a lot of set-up and defense before I could get to the point, so a lot of times I just don't bother.
     But during the past month I have really begun to enjoy blogging a lot more. I've been able to say everything I want to, without all of the restrictions I was barely conscious of before. I have been blogging about: how I've been perpetually suicidal for so many years, why I still haven't killed myself yet, how I think about Mandy all the time (and the various natures of these thoughts), musical endeavors, and currently, a lot about someone at work who I have realized is trying to be friends with me, and trying to figure out what to do. Now, other than that last thing, can anyone who reads this honestly say that they would want to read about any of that stuff? About how depressed I am, or more shit about this Mandy girl who hasn't even been physically present in 14 months? I don't think so. And if I were to post about it, you would become more likely not to read my posts at all, if I did it enough. As for the last topic, I haven't posted about it because it is potentially embarrassing, and I think that some people will stupidly think "oh wow that's gay" if I don't edit out how much I like him and how frustrated I am by my inability to form a friendship with him.
     I actually did try to edit my private posts into a "publicable" form, but I was unsuccessful, because all the topics are so wrapped up in each other that it was very difficult to edit out stuff while keeping the posts cohesive, and eventually I was just like "why am i doing this?" and I stopped.
     So yeah. I'm not sure what I should do. I'm thinking, maybe I should just post it all, maybe even completely unedited, and if I drive away people who previously enjoyed my blog, then that's OK. I kind of have this hope that one day somebody will come along and read my blog and be able to relate to it on a very personal level, and then maybe we'll become friends. I don't know if that'll ever happen, but it certainly won't ever happen if I don't post real stuff. But on the other hand, it is completely unreasonable to expect somebody to be able to relate to everything I post, so maybe it makes more sense to edit out the cruft and only leave the most interesting stuff. Blegh, I don't know.

     The private-only experiment was a great success. Once I got into it, I really posted some good stuff, the kind of stuff my blog has been needing. I will probably edit some of the posts into a publicly-postable format in the near future.

     Anyway. I bought a new MIDI keyboard last month for $99. It's awesome; editing music on the computer is so much easier than having to perform it perfectly any time I want to change one note.
     Just for practice, I decided to do a cover of a song I like. (I knew my first attempt would be really amateurish, so I didn't want to make anything I'd care about too much.) It actually turned out to be a much bigger project than I had expected. The music, vocals, and mixing all turned out to be huge individual steps. I had a lot of fun recording the music, though. Besides getting familiar with the software, I was also intrigued by the actual chords and melodies that the particular song used. Stuff I probably never would've thought up myself prior to the experience.
     Recording the vocals was a bit of a nightmare, though. Certain parts of the song are too low for me to sing easily, plus I was too self-conscious to sing loudly with other people home. When I'm inhibiting my vocal volume, it distracts me and I don't sing as well. So I had a lot of shitty takes, and the whole thing was just really frustrating. I almost gave up, because I found myself getting sick of what is one of my favorite songs, and I didn't know if it would be worth it. But one day when no one was home, I came back to it, and I recorded a good take and kept it. It isn't perfect, but I just really didn't feel like redoing it.
     Then came the mixing. Another nightmare. I just couldn't get everything to sit right in the song. I spent a lot of time working on it, but when I finally got the vocals to sound OK on headphones, I tested it on my computer speakers, and the vocals were totally buried. I listened to it in my car too, and discovered that the vocals were absolutely blaring, and the music was barely audible. Three totally different results, same mix. What the hell do I do with that??
     So I gave up for a week or so. But then I was in Barnes 'n Nobles, and I bought a book about mixing. I sat down and read through a few chapters, and wow. I'd been approaching the whole thing from the wrong angle. I went back to my project and restarted mixing the arrangement from scratch, using the techniques I had learned from the book. And it got so much better.

     I've spent the last couple days working with it. But my software kept crashing, more and more frequently, until eventually the program was crashing as soon as I opened it and tried to do even ONE (specific) thing. There was no way around it. So I decided I would just fix the most glaring problems, export the mp3, and be done with it. But when I opened it again, I was horrified to discover that it had lost all of my mixing data. There must have been a glitch the last time I saved, and I had no backup of the project file. I was/am absolutely pissed off.
     To make a long story short(er), I eventually learned that my hard disk seems to be broken. I'm not really sure what to do with my computer now. Luckily I also have a laptop so I can still do some stuff, but nothing too processor intensive.

     All is not lost, however. Since the software was so unstable, I made a few exports while working so I could listen to the music without it stuttering during playback. So I do have the nearly-completed mix, which I copied to my MP3 player before my computer died. So I'll embed it here, although I want to stress that there are a lot of little things about it I would have fixed if my computer hadn't crashed. But I won't say all of them; that way, you might not notice. The only glaring issue you'll almost definitely notice is that on the second verse, the synth pad starts out way too loud.

     So here it is. My cover of "Where The White Boys Dance" by The Killers, with many known problems as I said above.


http://igreiga.org/Where The White Boys Dance (Unfinished Work).mp3

i think i'm gonna go ahead and blog only privately for like, two weeks or more, just so i can get in touch with myself again. there's a bunch of stuff that i never blog about because i wouldn't be able to blog it publicly. so as a record of my life, my blog is missing a chunk. also, i've become too consciously aware that people read this stuff, and it actually makes me feel kind of like an idiot. i fear (and know) that (some) people read my blog, misunderstand, and judge me to be pretty stupid, because of the way i present certain ideas. as if people take me seriously when i'm not being serious, or too literally, or they don't understand the underlying context of something, or they think i'm just a younger version of themselves (and thus all i need to do is "grow up"), or they already think they "get" me and thus their interpretation of whatever i say is subject to confirmation bias...

but this blog is supposed to help me identify what i need to change about myself, and i'm not gonna change anything if i always feel like i have to be defensive about what i have written... (even though it's not often that i actually get comments that imply i am an idiot, it feels like that's what people are often thinking.) i have to be open to the idea that some things need tweaking.

i am also embarrassed because i am twenty years old and i am so far behind where i "should" be in life. not only education/career/whatever; i mean who i am and what kinds of things are important to me now. although apparently it's not that uncommon for someone "like me", probably because things are more challenging so they do take more time. but i'm pretty sure no one understands that or thinks it is a legitimate reason. they would probably interpret what i just said to be an "excuse", rather than a "reason".

this post is kind of ironic (or coincidental?) because i found myself going back over it and altering words and phrases to eliminate all of the potential misunderstandings i could think of. (and i couldn't fix them all.) it will be nice to not feel the need to do that for a while.

It was refreshing to write an essay for the first time in a loong time. I'd forgotten how much I like essays. I always make random stuff up, because I don't like talking about anything personal. And since ~8th grade I have always ended my essays with the same exact sentence. It's a parody of the "connect to the reader" and "broader significance" conclusion styles, and the simple fact that I suck at conclusions. And more recently, I began starting my essays with the same 7-word phrase, as a parody of "general to specific" intro styles.

The writing prompt was something like: It has been said, "Laughter is the best medicine." Using your own personal experience, explain your opinion about this statement.

I wrote:

---

     Since the beginning of time, mankind has been told, "Laughter is the best medicine." Many people hold strong beliefs that oppose or support this statement. Some people argue that laughter makes light of a serious situation and is wholly inappropriate as medicine, while others claim that the positive effects of laughter on the mind can have a significant impact on a person's body as well. Personally, I tend to side with the latter group of people for the most part, although I have witnessed both the success and the failure of laughter as medicine.
     One example of my personal experience with laughter as medicine was with an uncle who had a cancerous tumor in his face. The hospital doctors had given up hope, informing him that surgery on his face would put his physical appearance at too great a risk. He was about to die when a new young doctor unexpectedly recommended one last treatment - laughter. The doctor showed him a video of the hilarious comedic stylings of the amazing Dane Cook. Miraculously, the tumor began to shrink, and after a few more hours of side-splitting joviality, it had completely disappeared. This experience made me a firm advocate of laughter as medicine.
     However, a more recent example of my personal experience has recreated some skepticism. A cousin of mine was experiencing severe depression after her husband spontaneously combusted. Her family immediately chose to try laughter as a remedy. She strongly objected, but the family locked her in a room and forced her to watch three hours of Dane Cook. Unfortunately, after a mere ten minutes of watching his performance, she had desperately stabbed herself in the eye with a nearby fork, causing her death. Seeing laughter fail so spectacularly to remedy depression has instilled in me a great doubt about its medicinal merit.
     The controversy about laughter blazes on in America today. Wars continue to be fought, as soldiers valiantly live and die fighting for their belief or disbelief in laughter as medicine. Remember that when you feel you can't go on.

---

Today I wrote another essay, but I don't have a copy of it. The prompt was "For you, what defines success? Write about a successful person." So I wrote all about my great-granddaughter Shanay     , and how she has achieved what I consider to be success in life: lasting happiness. I wrote about the admirable way she kept smiling even when the bank foreclosed on her family's home and they were forced to rent space in a homeless guy's box. Somehow, she is always able to maintain her inner peace, no matter what life throws at her. In my second body paragraph, I wrote about the way her amazing happiness didn't waver even when her family informed her that her mother had miscarried her unborn brother. She just kept smiling. The family held a funeral for him, during which Shanay      did cry briefly, but that turned out to be because she needed a diaper change, after which she was back to her regular smiling self. In conclusion, I wrote that my one-year-old great-granddaughter Shanay      is the most successful person I have met, because she is the only one I know who is truly happy inside. Remember that when you feel you can't go on.

well........

my cat just licked up some remnants of my McDonalds shake, to my relief. i wasn't sure it technically qualified as food.

on a slightly related note, i noticed that i actually like certain healthy foods. i don't think i'd have a problem adopting a healthy diet, if only it weren't so damn expensive. maybe a step in the right direction to solving america's weight problem is to take steps to reduce the cost of healthy foods (by subsidizing the right things, i guess).

i beat GTA IV today. the ending was good, although most of the plot tended to leave me wanting. i don't know if it was worth buying twice. i actually had to buy the game twice, because my first disc got messed up somehow after the 14-day exchange period. so i bought a new one, then i exchanged the old one using the new receipt. so now i have two good discs, and one is still wrapped. maybe i can sell it to someone.

i cut my finger at work again, probably 75% as bad as last time. but i reaaaally didn't want to make a big deal out of it. so i quickly grabbed a paper towel and applied pressure, as i tried to nonchalantly do whatever work i could with one hand. five minutes later, i ran out of one-handed things to do, so i checked to see if it was still bleeding torrents, and it was, so i looked for band-aids. i couldn't find them, so i had no choice but to ask a manager. remembering last time, she wanted to see my cut, so i lifted the paper towel very briefly. very luckily, only one bead of blood began to form while she was looking, so it didn't look that bad. but after she was gone and i was trying to put the band-aid on, it was rather impossible because every time i lifted the paper for half a second, my finger became covered in blood. so i ended up just putting the band-aid on anyway (atop of the blood), and wearing two white latex gloves on that hand. when i looked closely enough, i could see the blood coating my finger.
i took the band-aid off an hour later (because i couldn't nonchalantly leave with the gloves on) and cleaned my finger. it was STILL bleeding, but it was manageable. and luckily, the manager had given me two band-aids before, so i just put the second one on.
i'm still wearing a band-aid because if i don't, it feels like my finger wants to split apart.
ugh, i hate knives. when i accidentally slice myself with them, anyway.

i haven't cut my hair in approximately 1 year. it's partially symbolic, but it's mostly because i want to get it straightened. there's this "japanese hair straightening" thing i've been looking into forever, and i was gonna do it a couple weeks ago, when i read some more details about it. "This revolutionary Japanese hair straightening technique works on all types of hair!!! Yes, all! ALL TYPES OF HAIR!!! (except African hair)" ... and, considering that my skin is brown and my hair is very curly, it's a safe assumption that i'm african. (i never actually bothered to ask my parents because i never cared.)

since the soonest GED test is in mid-september, i won't be going to community college until january at the earliest. fucking awesome, now i have all of september thru december to continue sitting on my ass with a penetrating feeling of unfulfillability. at least going to college would provide the illusion of progress.

i don't know what people find so creepy about schizophrenia. i think it would be awesome to see/hear/etc things that aren't there. i know there's more to schizophrenia than that, but that's the part that i think would be cool. like, if i had an imaginary friend, and i could actually see and hear him.

i still haven't finished writing my "Fantasy" post. i reached some snags. certain things were ineffectively conveyed with a mere sentence or two. effective writing must "show, don't just tell". i couldn't get what i needed to get across without expanding it into a full paragraph that detailed an actual, specific experience that would cause the reader to conclude what i wanted to express on their own. that wouldn't have been a problem, except that it is making it really long. too long for a story with, as the name "Fantasy" suggests, no real conflict. so i had to think up a conflict to keep the story interesting. but now, with the conflict, i feel like it is no longer the story i had envisioned. so i'm a bit stuck right now.

oh also i turned 20 yesterday. i have internally identified myself as 20 for about ten months now though, so no difference. it's not like i can legally buy alcohol yet.

So I went and took the "Intake" test today, which is basically a placement exam for GED Prep class. If today's test is anything to go by, I don't need any prep. It, and perhaps the GED itself, will be a total joke. It was kinda fun to be taking a test for the first time in many months, but I finished way before everyone else and didn't even have any trouble on any of the questions. Some of the questions were degradingly easy. Most of the other test takers were older, and/or Mexican, or just generally seemed disadvantaged. (There were two other normal-seeming kids like me, though.) I kept thinking, "What the fuck, I'm not stupid, why am I doing this? I only have trouble with homework. I should just be taking some sort of test that is the equivalent of high school!" I had to keep reminding myself that that's indeed what I was doing.

Oh, also, I don't think I'll be posting "Fantasy" tomorrow. It's more difficult to put together than I had originally expected.

I'm gonna have to hold off on going to college. The soonest GED test is in September, but community college classes begin August 25th. Ugh. I had hoped that I could take the GED test that is occurring on July 18-19, or August 15-16, but nope, no space I guess. I shouldn't have waited until the last minute.
At least this means that I might be able to take some prep classes first. I thought I might be able to pass without any GED-specific prep, since I practically already passed high school, and I'm great at taking tests. But since I have to wait two months anyway, I might as well.

Anyway, today being one of every other Wednesday, I am due for a more significant and preplanned post, but I'm still working on it and it's not ready yet. It's a post called "Fantasy" that I've been thinking of for at least a month now, but I couldn't come up with a good plot point to hold it all together. But it suddenly came to me yesterday. I hope to post it on Friday. I think it's gonna be really long, though.

Well, today was fun. I finally recorded Eminem's song "Kim" on midomi, something I've wanted to do for months now. It's a classic song we can all relate to; who hasn't fantasized about brutally murdering someone who doesn't love them back? I know I could've done a lot better with the voice acting, but I realized I was far exceeding reasonable effort standards for midomi when I spent hours trying to get a voice for Kim's character. It was cool, though. I trained my vocal chords to do things they've never done before. It felt like quite an achievement, even if the end result is mediocre or even laughably lame.

also, it was totally cool to have to go to work twenty minutes after that. you know how i said, like, one week ago that i never have "meltdowns"? today i actually came thisclose to it. i was just really frustrated and freaking out i guess, while i was driving, and then i felt this weird feeling coming over me, like i was entering a state where i was totally losing control of myself or something, idk how to describe it really. it scared me and i was about to pull over just in case, but the feeling washed over me before anything bad happened.
so the whole day i feared i was on the verge of a meltdown or whatever. i just felt really volatile. i tried to stay really calm and not interact with anybody (because every human being was incredibly annoying to me). i did pretty well, although one challenge was the simple fact that in dish, maricruz had been working (instead of an actual dishwasher who knows what he's doing), so many things were out of place, and it was pretty frustrating, but i kept my cool and just slowly put everything back in order.

i can't decide if learning more about asperger's is subconsciously making me become more aspie-ish, like some sort of placebo effect, or if it's just making me more aware of when aspie traits are exhibited in my behavior. either way, i don't really like it.

apparently aspies "stim" (self-stimulate the senses via repetitive motor movements), which is probably the final thing i thought didn't apply to me, but then i realized that there's this weird motion i've been doing with my fingers (or eyelids, or neck sometimes) for as long as i can remember. it's always one of two specific geometric patterns. i'm not sure if that's what "stimming" is, though, because it's not very stimulating to my senses, just my mind.

well that was a huge fucking waste of my time. apparently i don't even fit in with aspies. probably because i was the n00b there. half the time i didn't even have anything to say, and when i did, i didn't feel like saying it. one time i started saying something but some guy interrupted me. i think i didn't fit in primarily because they already have an established group.
i did not feel disappointed when i left, because i was just so happy to gtfo of there. now i feel kind of angry that it didn't work out. i'm not going back there. i thought i'd be more socially adapted than the others aspies. wtf was i thinking? i suck at group socialization. i'm only functional in one-to-one conversation.
there was a period of time where we were allowed to talk amongst each other (instead of as a group), but there was pretty much no difference. somebody did try to talk to me, though:
"where did you say you were from, jay?"
"[name of my town]."
"oh same here."
"huh."
"small world"
"yep"
"..."
"..."
and that was with a really talkative guy. i'm surprised some of those other people are aspies. i think they're just really comfortable with each other. i don't feel like trying to break into their group. i just felt so incredibly out of place there.


oh, also, i'm really sick of my self-awareness, too. i don't want to pay attention to my life anymore.

I feel really "aspie-y" right now. I can't stop listening to the same song I've been repeating for the past hour or two. I mean, again, I could physically press "Stop", but... idk, it's probably kinda like telling a tobacco addict to just put down the cigarette.
I made some soup to eat, twice. I leaned my head against the rangehood, trying to shut out the world around me. From behind me, I heard my mom ask, "Do you work today?" I just said "Yeah." I didn't look at her or elaborate (I kind of knew her real question was, "What time do you work today?", but I didn't want to put in the effort required to express my answer properly.), so she told me I seemed like I was pissed off. In the past, I might not have been able to respond to that properly. I probably would have laughed awkwardly, said "No", and shrugged, all intended to communicate "I am not, and I don't know why I appear to be", but people would not understand. But some time over the past year, probably with my discovery of AS, I realized that people just plain won't understand me. So my new secret weapon is to be fully explicit. So I just directly said, "I'm not pissed off." That may not seem like much (especially since it happens to be a short sentence), but I never would have been so explicit before. A lot of times, full explicitness just seems totally out-of-place to me, and in many cases it can make my sentences really long, but I have found it to be amazingly effective. And it was cool to be able to share it with a fellow aspie on a forum.

I don't know if this is what Aspie/Autie "non-verbalness" is, but a lot of times I've got a lot in me that I just can't seem to express. It's... just... stuff that's too conceptual to verbalize. The only available mediums for expression are severely lacking. I could write, but that takes a lot of thought, planning, work and time. And the thing I would be expressing wouldn't even be directly stated in the writing; it would be expressed as a general overtone or feeling of the writing.
I try to avoid caffeine because I think it intensifies the feeling.

     I feel fine. I mean, on a deeper level than I did that time a couple weeks ago. Not "happy", per se, but my depression level is manageable and probably normal. I think it happened after I saw Jason again. It was cool enough to see him, but it was even cooler when I got home and decided to read my blog archives from 2006. I remembered hope. Back then, I had no idea about AS; all I knew was that socialization was really hard, and it was somehow my fault for not doing it right, so I was always trying to figure out how to do it. There were little successes along the way that kept me going. But learning about AS, coupled with the traumatic event on June 10 '07, gave giving up logical legitimacy. But I'm a smart person. I'm told I'm extraordinarily self-aware. Relative to other Aspies, I've already developed superior "NT emulation" skills by reviewing my own social interactions in my head (often for the purpose of documenting them in my blog). So I think I have a reasonable chance at at least some form of success. I feel happy when there is a social element to my life, and only then. People who say you can just "choose" to be happy are misguided, as I suspected, because everything I've been trying over the past months led only to shallow, fragile, fake, ignorant-of-reality kind of "happiness". But, armed with caution, experience, and intelligence, maybe there is a chance I can indeed find social success.
     So yeah, I think I feel fine because I have a promising new strategy which may enable me to achieve happiness more often.
     
     I'm not sure how to arm myself with caution, though. If I'm trying to make friends with a person, it's a very slippery slope and I usually can't just decide to stop. I mean, geez, how many times did I beg myself to stop before June 10 '07 happened? If the Aspie support group I'm attending tomorrow turns out to be cool, maybe I could try to only associate with Aspies, so that I will have a more reasonable success rate. But just socializing with Aspies? I dunno... I mean, it's not like Aspies are all over the place. I should also probably make it a high priority to GTFO my shitty town. I'm realizing more and more that this town is really, really, really fucking horrible. It's just fucking atrocious. What's that lyric from that The Killers song? "This town is meant for passing through; it ain't nothing new". I always kinda thought that this is how it is everywhere, but I used to think that about FDR High School too, until people started leaving the school and discovering that other (public) schools are much better. Same thing with my town. People leave it because it sucks, and their new town turns out to be better. I've got enough shit weighing me down, I don't need a town chock empty of opportunity and livelihood too.
     But that's kind of... out there, in the future somewhere. I won't be able to live on my own for a good while. Until then, I'll have to give more thought to how to be cautious. I can't fall into another epic failure which, assuming I come out alive, could take me another year to fully recover from.

Here's a dream I had: (No special significance; I just record all dreams I vividly remember)
     The security guards weren't guarding me very closely, and the people in charge had stepped out for a brief moment. (I don't know why I was in detainment.)
     But I got very, very sick. The dream switched into third person and the person who was previously me became an Asian guy who doesn't speak English. He stumbled outside, worried that he might pass out. But the security guard saw him leave and quickly notified the higher-ups. A taxi approached him outside and the Asian guy was forced to go inside it. Once inside, he was desperately trying to explain something in his Asian language. I wasn't in this scene, but as a non-present spectator I thought, "Yeah yeah, cliche plot element, this guy can't communicate vital information because of a language barrier". But then the driver turned around and it turned out she was Asian too, and she replied in his language.
     Then the dream switched again. The prisoner and I were sitting next to each other in the back of a school bus, and the prisoner was [Codename]. It's been a while since I've seen her, and she'd dyed her hair a little and basically looked really nice. The bus was weird; there was only one single aisle of seats (instead of two), and there were doors on each side of each seat. Kind of like a 4-door car, except with 11 rows of schoolbus-style seats. We were sharing a seat, and I wanted to set her free from her captors, but I could see metal chains holding her down.
     The bus arrived at the high school, but we weren't permitted to get off of it yet. [Codename]'s chains were gone (due to some weird dreamness), and I thought about telling her that she could escape. I didn't, but it felt like I did. She waited until the bus driver wasn't looking, and then she opened the door and hopped out. As she was getting out, the bus driver almost saw her because she wasn't being very cautious, but she got lucky and escaped undetected. She closed the door, but her shirt got caught in it and she couldn't open the door from the outside because the child-lock was on (makes no sense, I know). So I helped her by opening the door. Then she sucessfully escaped. Soon, the driver let the rest of us off of the bus. As the bus emptied, I saw the driver coming to the back row, perhaps realizing that [Codename] was gone. I feared that the driver would soon realize that I had aided her escape, or at least that I must have witnessed the whole thing without reporting it. So I quickly got off the bus before he got to me.
     I landed on the grass, but I was wearing weird slippers and I couldn't walk away very well. So I took them off so I could get away from the bus faster. Then I noticed [Codename], leaning on a wall merely fifty feet away from the bus, talking to someone. How stupid of her. I did nothing but watch from a distance as she was discovered and taken away.
     I was still sick, too sick to attend my high school classes, but it had already been decided that I would temporarily go to middle school instead until I was well enough to return to high school (again, makes no sense, but it's just a dream). The place had changed a lot since I was last there. It was dark and dank, and there were elevators even though the school only had two floors. Also, there were huge, entire-hall-wide doorways in many spots (right in the middle of the hall, not on the walls) that closed in the center, and it was virtually impossible to pass by one without it shutting on your shoulders for a moment (it wouldn't crush you; it'd just re-open, but it was still intimidating.) Josh Vangor passed me by, with self-righteous superiority in his stride, like he was better than me because he was graciously offering his services there. (You probably don't know who Josh is; he's someone from 2004.)
     Soon, I got pretty confused. Was I supposed to go to the office and tell them, "I'm too sick for high school, so I'm here instead. What classes should I go to?" The whole situation just didn't make any sense. I felt like I really should have just stayed home instead.
     As I continued to be confused, I was suddenly in the middle of an assembly at my old elementary school cafetorium. I finally stood up and started walking out of the room, while calling my dad with my watch phone (wtf). But my dad answered before I had exited the cafetorium, so I had to whisper, "hey, uhhh, where are you?" He replied, "We're at the Michael Youssef concert, remember?" I said, "Oh yeah... hm. Cuz I was thinking there's no point in me going to class here instead. I was going to ask if you can pick me up, but now that I think about it, this elementary school isn't that far from home, so I'll just walk it."
     Before I exited the room, I looked up, at [Codename], who had become a ceiling fan (wtf). But she only had one solitary fan blade, because I had left her all alone.

     I parked in the Quiznos parking lot and was glad to see a particular teen employee taking out the garbage, because that meant I wouldn't have to deal with him inside. He's made my food before, and I think I recognize him from high school. He's cool and is always really nice to me when I'm there, but I assume it's just professional courtesy, and it's annoying to have to filter out.
     "YUSEF!" he called out my real name.
     Damn it. Evidently he was indeed from my high school.
     "Hey," I turned to look at him. Wait... that's not the Quiznos employee I know... I stared for a second and recognized... "Jason, right?" Wow, Jason from high school gym class in 2006. Remember him?
     For some reason I was perfectly comfortable socializing. "So you're working here now?" I said as we both walked to the entrance.
     It was kind of rhetorical, so I thought nothing of it that he didn't answer. Instead he asked, "Is your cell phone number still the same?"
     "Oh, yeah," I assured. I'd kinda forgotten that we'd exchanged numbers when I found him on MySpace. I didn't transfer his number to my new phone because I didn't expect future correspondence.
     He didn't say anything, but I thought nothing of it because I hadn't said much worth replying to. "How are you doing?" I was eager to know.
     I don't think he responded, or at least not verbally. But again I thought nothing of it, because by then we were inside and he needed to go behind the counter.
     Then I finally did feel weird when I had to order him to make my food. And he actually made it rather poorly, to be honest, but you could tell it wasn't on purpose. I just suspected he was a n00b employee.
     
     It wasn't until I had walked away from him that I began to consciously remember the full details of what I used to call "the Jason fiasco" in 2006. We had been badminton partners in gym class, and after the sport-playing time was over, the two of us would always spend an excruciatingly-awkward five-or-so minutes just standing next to each other until the bell rang, both of us desperately trying to initiate a further friendship by saying something, anything, but always failing. We never really communicated much until I found him on MySpace, significantly after the school year had ended.
     So I should have felt way more awkward, huh? I was as comfortable as if we had actually been friends IRL at one point, instead of just perpetually awkward. I'm glad I didn't remember at first. Reviewing the way Jason acted, I wonder if he may have experienced anxiety or something while talking to me and/or making my food.
     In 2006, I didn't think he was "like me" (an aspie, to use accurate terms, but I didn't know that in 2006) because I saw him socializing comfortably with certain other kids in school. But who knows. I mean, I too have appeared (from a distance) to socialize normally among some people I was associated with.
     He probably won't call, but it would be cool if he did. I guess if he doesn't, I could always go back to Quiznos.

Voice post:

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Transcription:
     Ah fuck, I didn't blog Friday. Yeah, I missed a day, for the first time... and it wasn't even because I had nothing to blog about; it was more because I had something specific I wanted to blog about, but I couldn't figure out how to do so. So that's why I'm deciding to record a voice post instead.
     
     I have been going to an aspie forum lately. I went to it before, like months ago I went to it a few times, but then I stopped going to it because everyone there was just being too depressing and it wasn't something that I thought would be helpful to me. But I went back to it and it's different now. (Maybe [it] was just a select few people who were posting stuff like that.) Now, I like it, a lot, because I actually feel a lot more connected to them than I did before. Before, I didn't really relate to them before; I felt like I wasn't "aspie enough", I guess... that was one reason I was always doubting my self-diagnosis; I would look on that forum and I would see people with problems that I don't experience. But looking at it now, there are just as many (if not more) people who are just like me, have the same exact problems. Which is actually all good. I'm glad I don't see it as a threat to my identity or anything, [considering that] the entirety of my identity is pretty much shaped by Asperger's. Obviously there's more to [my identity], but the majority of it revolves around Asperger's Syndrome. So I relate to other people on the forum on a very substantial level. Like, these are [problems] that, in the past, have been unique to me, very uniquely mine, and no one else would really be able to relate to it. But ever since I learned that I have Asperger's Syndrome, I have yearned for a world of just people with Asperger's Syndrome, like, I wouldn't have to live in a world full of (what we call today) neurotypical people, you know, I could live in a world full of people who I can communicate with and socialize with, and so the forum is the closest thing I have to that right now. So it is good. I like it.
     
     One thing I like about [the forum] is just finding out new things about myself by reading experiences of others. All the various personality traits that make up a person [are] way too many to [discern what] is caused by Asperger's. So there are only certain ones that I'm aware of [as being] related to Asperger's Syndrome. But being on the forum, I'll read a post and I'll be like, holy crap I never even thought about that being related to Asperger's Syndrome, and yet this person has the exact same trait as I do. One interesting thing about the forum is that there are people who have worse cases than me; there are people who have Asperger's Syndrome in addition to other things, like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, [etc], so I like the forum because it's very interesting to see all the various people and what problems they have to deal with. It's just interesting to see all the variation. And I like replying and trying to help somebody who isn't going through the same exact thing that I'm going through. It's ... refreshing, or something.
     Some people have "meltdowns"... thankfully, I don't think that's ever happened to me. (I have had... something... something that's not a meltdown, but, I'll talk about it later.) But yeah some people have meltdowns. I don't fully understand it, but I guess if something goes really, really wrong, and they just can't handle it, then I guess they'll pretty much either throw a tantrum, or they'll just kind of... (what's the verb I'm looking for here...) recluse? Like, go away and hide, and curl up in a fetal position, and just freak out or something like that. That never happens to me. And I am glad that never happens to me! [It] makes me feel like maybe I do have good coping skills... but haha maybe I'm just comparing it to the absolute worst... but still. I think I have... decent coping skills. I could have way worse coping skills. I have made progress, certainly.
     
     I've recently noticed one area that is apparently shaped by Asperger's Syndrome that I never noticed before. My therapist said that apparently it's an aspie thing to have, like....... I dunno; in the past I've heard that aspies like to have things routine/scheduled/reliable... basically just routine... and my therapist was saying that it seems like it's causing me to have very rigid, rule-based thinking. I had never thought of that before. I don't think I've ever heard that before. I mean, I have heard it worded differently [before], but I never understood and I didn't think it applied to me. But it's been almost a couple weeks since she said it, and I have realized how it has affected my life, immensely. I think she has figured out at least part of why I didn't do homework in school at all. Personally I never understood why I couldn't do homework; that was something that even I didn't understand. Everyone else thought they understood [me]; they would say "oh you're lazy/you just don't want to do homework/oh you don't believe in homework, you think homework is wrong, you think teachers shouldn't give homework", and it was not true but I couldn't really present a good defense because I didn't even understand why I couldn't do homework... But this "routine" thing, is like, if I'm in school, then, that's where schoolwork happens; if I'm at home, then that's where home [stuff happens], that's my time, I guess. So for me to inject school into home, it's just more difficult for me than it would be for other people. It's just... not something that is easy for me to do. That's not to say that I'm incapable of doing it, it's just more difficult, it just takes more concentrated effort to do it. And I just plain old wasn't [that] motivated in the first place. My therapist mentioned that it's an aspie thing that what motivates people of neurotypical society doesn't necessarily automatically motivate aspies. [In other words,] it's harder for aspies to get themselves motivated for stuff that people normally think should be motivating, like, getting good grades, and, idk, getting a job, or whatever [other] people think is important. That's not stuff that's important to me, ya knooww..... but um.
     
     Even in this past couple weeks that I have known about this routine (rigid thinking) thing and become self-aware about how it affects me, I have noticed that it is a big impact on me. For one thing, I think it's part of the reason why I have been doing nothing for the past, like, two years, because nothing seems right to do.
     
     Anyway - and this is pretty much the entire point of my post - there were a couple times when I had a little, uh, "internal conflict", I guess? And this isn't like a meltdown or anything, or even close to it, but it's just a debilitating thing. And I think it has a lot to do with this whole rigid thinking that I have learned about. Let me start by saying: I have trouble getting into bed, basically. I don't just mean going to sleep; I mean literally getting into my bed. And I don't fully know why I have trouble with it, but I just, like, feel like I'm not... ready yet? ... [Well,] I just don't know why. But what I need to do in order to get myself to go to bed is eat something and watch TV. Then I feel OK to go to bed. So it'll be like 1am, and I'll be sleepy, but I won't feel right to go to bed, so I will literally drive to Sunoco and buy a bag of chips or popcorn or something, and come home and eat it while watching an episode of something on TV and then I'll be fine to go to sleep. I've done that a lot. I've driven all the way to Sunoco, just for a little tiny bag of popcorn. I probably created that sense of routine by just doing that on a couple days, and I got used to it I guess, and now I feel all wrong without doing it. That's weird, and kind of... intriguing. But that's only the start of it, though. But yeah sometimes I have trouble going to bed and so I will go on the computer, or look around the house for something to eat, but there's nothing in the house to eat that I want (there are certain things I could eat, but it's just not the right thing that I'm looking for to go to sleep). I could just watch TV, but it still doesn't quite work. I could take sleeping pills, but... I just can't... I don't know why... I mean, I guess I could force myself to, but I haven't done that yet. I probably could if I tried hard enough, you know, just shut my mind out and control my physical body to just grab the pills and stuff them down my throat, but I haven't done that yet.
     But yeah I have this, like, lock[up] where I just cannot go to bed. And one day, I couldn't go to bed, and I didn't really want to go Sunoco, and I was like "This is so stupid, dude, why the fuck do I need to buy some popcorn just to go to bed, why can't I just go to bed?", and I didn't feel like spending the money on the popcorn because I'm broke... but then after a while I was like, "ugh, fuck it, I have to do this," so I was outside and I was walking to my car, and it was really beautiful out. So I got to my car and I just leaned on my car for a minute, just looking the atmosphere, it was really beautiful. And I ended up locking up right there. I just couldn't go to Sunoco. I just couldn't get myself to do it, because it was just so stupid. Like, "Why should I have to go to Sunoco? Why should I have to buy some friggin popcorn? After I finish the popcorn, what will be the difference, other than that I'll have spent some money, and I will have some unhealthy food in me? What would be the difference after I ate it? Nothing, except for bad stuff, and there's no reason why I should need the popcorn." So I didn't want to go to Sunoco, and I also didn't want to go inside [my house] because I still didn't feel right to go to bed yet. So I guess it was kind of this, like, lock-up. Neither option seemed viable, so I couldn't do anything. I stood there for thirty minutes, like, just frozen.
     I ended up finally going into my car and just listening to a recording that I had [on my MP3 player]. I listened to the recording for a long time, and then I just got really really bored and really aggravated, so I just pretty much forced myself to just go to Sunoco and buy it. And I really didn't want to buy it; I felt really wrong, to be honest. My mind was, like, freaking out when I was there, like it was just really wrong, like... I don't even know how to describe it. But I forced myself to do it anyways and then I was able to go to sleep when I got home. And of course I learned from the experience, and now if I'm going to my car ([especially] in order to go to Sunoco), I do not stop. Even if I have second thoughts, like "wait a minute, this is stupid, I don't need to go to Sunoco", then I don't stop, I just force myself to not even think about it.
     
     So yeah, that's my little spiel about how this rigid[/inflexible] thinking seems to actually be a part of my life. And now that I'm aware of it, maybe [the awareness] will help me. (Oh - another example of the rigid thinking is simply my self-imposed rules about socialization. That's just another example that I forgot to mention.) So yeah, that's that. So now that I am aware of it, maybe I can make improvements in my life based on it.

I'm never going to finish this flash animation, so I might as well post it.

http://igreiga.org/evildeeds.html (I would embed it, but I'm not sure how this will fare on other computers. It might be jumpy on slow CPUs, or it might delay before loading each chorus on slow internet connections.)

The animation ends after he says "people everywhere I don't even know but who feel like they know me" and the screen goes blank.

This was intended to be a follow-up to my "The Kids" animation, with the same stick figure style and all, but more color and slightly more advanced animation. I was just playing around with Flash animation, and I decided to try making some stuff appear to be 3Dish. It took me two years of on-and-off work to complete this much, because animation is really tedious work (every single movement is something I had to click and drag to where I wanted it to move). For example, the scene with the CD shelf, where it looks like the camera's moving in 3D space, took me two days to do (because of all the 3Dness), but it only lasts a couple seconds. Character body movements take forever to figure out, too.

I'm not really motivated to finish it, though, partly because I can't live up to my original vision for it. The end part was supposed to be a full concert scene, animated in true 3D, with rappers dancing on stage and everything. I tried to learn 3D, and I made good progress, but definitely not good enough to do that.

for the record, i posted today, but it was restricted viewing

aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh

here i am again.

i can't say i've tried everything until i go to the local aspie support group i've heard about, so i'm planning to go to their next meeting (july 12)

also i should try a different brand of medication, if i can afford that